If you have ever had the pleasure of suffering a migraine headache than you know just how daunting the word chronic in front of migraines really is. After the last year and a half my battle with fibromyalgia has finally gotten as "under control" as it could ever really be. I have a wonderful new doctor who is a specialist in Fibromyalgia who has really been able to help me. I am stronger and feeling better than I have in a very, very, long time. But when it rains it pours, and I'm now fighting an even tougher battle. At my lowest point this last year or so, I really didn't think things could get any worse. I was wrong.
What I love about this photo is that most people would look at it and think; this is what it feels like to have a migraine. I look at this photo and think, this is what I would like to do to myself to relieve the pain of my migraine. I often feel like I want to bang my head against a wall when I have a migraine. It’s quite intense and lately it’s been overwhelming.
A few days ago I was researching on the internet looking for descriptions of what Fibromyalgia pain feels like. As I read peoples descriptions of their pain I thought to myself how lucky I was to not feel as bad as they seamed to be. I was at a loss for words myself to describe what it felt like. Now that I am in my 4th day of a bad flare up I realized that I do feel that much pain. Just not all of the time. It's easy to forget how bad you felt when your feelibg better but it's also nice to realize how much better you where feeling when your feeling worse.
I have had a very good friend struggling with the effects of fibromyalgia now for several years. I have watched the struggles and pain cross her face as she tried to complete daily homemaking activities such as cleaning, cooking, and washing the dishes. She would be in conversation and finishing up something really quick and all of a sudden, a whimper of pain would escape her lips as she grabbed at several parts of her body at once. Sometimes, her back would bother her, other times, would be her wrists, or legs. Everyone began to look around the room with curious expressions across their face trying to understand or figure out why the pain surfaced in the first place.
I started on lyrica, and after almost a year I gave it up because of side effects (I didn't want to live the rest of my life with the side effects). AFter about an hour and a half of taking the 150mg dose I would get overwhelmed with dizziness, my head would spin, I could walk, my vision would get blurry, I couldn't focus or think straight. I couldn't even carry on a conversation. This would slowly ease away after several hours went by but my head never felt quite "clear". I felt the Lyrica wasn't helping enough for it to be worth this. So my doctor decided to switch me to Gabapentine. The Gabapentine did very little for me, even at high doses.
If you could use only 5 words to describe who I was before Fibro they would be: Independant, Active, Youthful, and Great Mother. I was always sporty, and a bit of a tomboy. I played soccer, ran track, danced my heart out, was the kind of parent that got down on the floor and played with the kids. I could do anything, lay tile flooring, knock down a wall, I was so physical. I was fiercely independant and always wanting to help others. Now I have to depend on others, I can't help people the way I want to. I used to be very successful in my career and now I have had to slow it down so much that it is a financial stress on my fmaily. I don't dance, or play guitar, or mow the yard anymore. But once I got past the grieving stage, and yes we grieve for the life and dreams and hopes we have lost. Once I decided to take control of my life I realized that I needed to enjoy it more in any way I could. Enjoy every moment that is good and hold onto those moments as best I can. It's very hard not to dwell on all the many bad times, and it's hard not to let it overwhelm you but, now at least I am trying to control my Fibro and not the other way around.
